And, there it is again...

The working mommy guilt.

Now, let's remember. I am self-employed. I work at home.

I have been home with my children what feels like 24/7 for the past 2 1/2 months.
All the time.

Doing fun things with them.

Staying up until all hours of the night to get my work done.

But Sprouts gets SO angry if ever the work in any way interferes with my undivided attention on her.

I have been doing some freelance work - to get some actual money flowing in to the ever dwindling bank account. And every time I have had to take some time to work on the project she has been so very annoyed with me.

WHY do I have to do this project? All I EVER do is work (tell me about it!)

Tonight, in the midst of packing for our week-long vacation at the beach, I also have to do some additional work on the project I finished last week. Sprout was all tucked in and called downstairs, quite outraged that I hadn't checked on her (to make sure that no monsters had eaten her??)

I went up to her bedroom and she said "WHY haven't you checked on me?" and I said "Because I know you are fine. Safe in your room, in a house full of love. And I have a kajillion things to do tonight."

And she said "WHY are you always DOING SOMETHING???"

And that, is the big question. Why am I? But wouldn't I kind of always be doing something anyway? Even if that something was watching TV? Or reading a book? Or staring at a wall? Still something.

I had a flashback to her kindergarten graduation picnic. Back when I was still employed, although on a part-time basis, at a real job, surrounded by people who worked in their offices all day, every day and had no interest or concern in how available I could be for my small-ish child.

I took the morning off to attend her picnic at a local playground. But had to give a presentation an hour away right after lunch. So as the kids sat down to eat, I attempted to say good-bye. And then there was crying. And begging. And "None of the OTHER Mommies have to leave to go to work!" (Why don't they???)

Of course I went. And I felt awful about it.
But I had responsibilities on the other side of the fence, too.

I long for a life on one side of the fence.

But, you know, with income.

Watch this Space

Sorry I am not being good about posting over here everyday.
I am juggling.

Kids in half day camp, freelance project, inquiries related to the potential sale of Stuff for Sprouts, setting up the Baby Steals deal for next Wednesday, responding to sample requests from my latest press release, getting ready for parties this weekend, attempting to spend a moment with my super-cool husband (who is currently sleeping...as I should be).

Blaarrrggghhh...

But I am also posting over here...so check both...because you know you miss me.

Phone Call Induced Insanity

What is it about a telephone that causes children to utterly lose all sense of reason?

Why does a phone in the hand of a mother on a business-related call (during which the mother is unable to say "Excuse me, I must go scream at my children") cause otherwise intelligent and well-behaved children to go all kamikaze and insane?!?

At 2PM today I said to my children, who were mesmerized by Zach & Cody and the other gang at the Tipton, "I am going to go do a phone call. I will be done in a little while. You just watch your show and we will do something fun when I am done."

At 2:05 I look up and Sprout is putting a plastic sword in her belt loop as if preparing for battle. The sword that she got down from the VERY HIGH shelf where it is kept so that children do not use it to do battle. The man on the other end of the phone was telling me Important Things That I Need to Know. And I am mouthing "NO NO NO NO NO" at my child who smiles and then shrugs that she can't hear me, and walks away.

Yikes.

At 2:10 the doorbell rings. My children are familiar with the rule that we don't answer the door without a grown-up. And yet, the little chime on the front door rings, which means that children are escaping. So I have to say, "Excuse me for a moment, but I think my children are escaping", and put the phone on hold while I go round up the troops. Sprout felt that the mail couldn't sit on the front step and had to get it. I locked the door and whisked her back to the TV. The TV that she loves and can hardly be separated from. Unless I am ON THE PHONE.

I get back on the phone and apologize and the very understanding project manager says it is OK, he understands. He has kids, too.

At 2:20 there is a HUGE crash. And crying. Loud crying. So again, I must say, "Excuse me, apparently my children are attempting to kill themselves,"and again put the call on hold.

And Sprout is laying on the floor CRYING that the gate for the dog fell on her. So I get her an ice pack, and replant her in front of the TV and tell her that if she or her brother (who was climbing over the half-wall from the kitchen at the time) did anything else that caused me to have to leave the call, I was going to lose this job and that would be TROUBLE.

So all was quiet for the remaining 5 minutes of the call.

So I went out and lectured them a bit about rules being rules whether I am in the room or not. Regardless of the current position of the phone.

And I fully anticipate that tomorrow, when I have the follow-up call, there is going to be more insanity. But WHY???

The Start of Something New?

I have started another blog over here to get started on my next venture. Short attention span...need new things all the time!

My friend, Esther, and I are working on a weekly newsletter with a plan for fun things to do with your kids each day. I know I would have signed up for such a thing if it existed before this summer. We are planning to model it after The 6 O'Clock Scramble, which we have already established is a very good thing.

Anyway, I am giving the idea (in it's roughest possible form) a spin this summer. And so far, it is completely awesome to have a ready answer to "What can we do now?"!

I am also doing some freelance work this month. Real grown-up type work. I hope I remember how!

I just signed up for a service that promises to bring 30,000 people to Stuff for Sprouts. I am curious to see how that works (if you are one of those 30,000 people - welcome!)

So - many irons in the fire...hope there are no burns!

Organization or the lack Thereof

I seem to have lost all of my organizational skills.

Maybe this is because no one but me sees my desk? Maybe because half of the time when I am sitting at my desk it is dark? (Like now.)

Maybe because there is no "end of the day" to trigger me to neaten up before I "go home"? The end of my work day is either a panicked moment when I realize the kids are going to kill each other if I don't go supervise, or late at night when I can no longer see straight. So there is no orderly end-of-the-day routine of putting things away and organizing for tomorrow.

There are little bits of paper all over the place with jotted notes (written with the unsharpened pencil that is somehow the only writing instrument I can consistently find). There are product samples scattered about. The phone is somewhere around here. My Palm organizer keeps running out of power and dying. I forget to synch it, so the schedule on it is hardly ever accurate.

I still think if I had that new phone it would all be better :)

I think I need to take Monday and get things under control. There's something to look forward to. Not.

Hope you have a great weekend and lots of (better) things to look forward to!

Who am I?

I am struggling a bit with how to define myself these days. I am a working mom who doesn't go to work. I have no stories of endless meetings and office politics (although I do have vivid memories of them!) I have no commute. I have no co-workers.

I am a business-owner, but do not aspire to be a millionaire (I mean, if someone walks in here and hands me a million dollars I am certainly not saying no!) I am not trying to build an empire. Just an income.

I am a Mom and I stay at home, but I am not a stay-at-home-mom. I don't think I am brave enough for that world. I am about to embark on a summer adventure that will involve more quality time with my kids than ever before. Working at home, I can't justify sending them to a camp all day, so they will do a half-day camp and I am hopeful that I will be able to tear my attention away from my business (Stuff for Sprouts) at 12:30 every day until they are in bed and be a fun, patient mom. All my fingers are crossed over that one.

I spoke on the phone recently with a woman who started her own skin care line around the same time that I launched Stuff for Sprouts. And during this conversation, in which she was hugely nice and helpful and giving out good advice...I was struggling again. Because she has a whole company of people, 50 sales reps, a distributor, a deal with Babies R Us, and six kids. Yikes.

Oh yeah, and she launched her business at the same time she had her last baby...Left me feeling like quite the underachiever.

But, I remind myself...I don't want to be a mogul, just a mom, contributing to the income of the family, being around for the kids, playing with the dog, spending time with my husband. Juggling and balancing.

It is easier to figure out what you want than it it is to maintain that vision when you see what everyone else has. Like a 5-year-old with an ice cream cone (that is pretty flippin' delicious) who covets the super-astounding sundae that the kid at the next table has (which will probably result in an enormous belly-ache). I am learning to focus on the ice cream cone I've got. Even when it is dripping all over the floor. But sprinkles would sure be yummy!