Friday, August 22, 2008

And, there it is again...

The working mommy guilt.

Now, let's remember. I am self-employed. I work at home.

I have been home with my children what feels like 24/7 for the past 2 1/2 months.
All the time.

Doing fun things with them.

Staying up until all hours of the night to get my work done.

But Sprouts gets SO angry if ever the work in any way interferes with my undivided attention on her.

I have been doing some freelance work - to get some actual money flowing in to the ever dwindling bank account. And every time I have had to take some time to work on the project she has been so very annoyed with me.

WHY do I have to do this project? All I EVER do is work (tell me about it!)

Tonight, in the midst of packing for our week-long vacation at the beach, I also have to do some additional work on the project I finished last week. Sprout was all tucked in and called downstairs, quite outraged that I hadn't checked on her (to make sure that no monsters had eaten her??)

I went up to her bedroom and she said "WHY haven't you checked on me?" and I said "Because I know you are fine. Safe in your room, in a house full of love. And I have a kajillion things to do tonight."

And she said "WHY are you always DOING SOMETHING???"

And that, is the big question. Why am I? But wouldn't I kind of always be doing something anyway? Even if that something was watching TV? Or reading a book? Or staring at a wall? Still something.

I had a flashback to her kindergarten graduation picnic. Back when I was still employed, although on a part-time basis, at a real job, surrounded by people who worked in their offices all day, every day and had no interest or concern in how available I could be for my small-ish child.

I took the morning off to attend her picnic at a local playground. But had to give a presentation an hour away right after lunch. So as the kids sat down to eat, I attempted to say good-bye. And then there was crying. And begging. And "None of the OTHER Mommies have to leave to go to work!" (Why don't they???)

Of course I went. And I felt awful about it.
But I had responsibilities on the other side of the fence, too.

I long for a life on one side of the fence.

But, you know, with income.

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